The Love Bank

If you’ve read any books by Dr. Willard Harley, you’ve seen a reference to “The Love Bank.”  The Love Bank is Dr. Harley’s scientific model of how your emotions react to people.  It’s a scientific model in that it is a tested hypothesis that has predictive value – in Dr. Harley’s professional experience, people tend to react the way the Love Bank predicts.  That is how I found my wife reacted to me in our marriage, and how I have seen other people respond to their husband or wife.

Your Love Bank has an “account” for every person that you ever meet.  When somebody does something for you or with you that brings you happiness, they make a “deposit” into their account in your love bank.  Your brain chemistry and wiring reacts to that person such that you feel a little more positive toward them.  When somebody does something for you or with you that brings you unhappiness, they make a “withdrawal” from their account in your love bank.  Your brain chemistry and wiring reacts to that person such that you feel a little less positive toward them.  If you’ve ever read about the history of psychology and read about Pavlov’s experiments with dogs, the same thing is happening in your brain.

If a person makes many large deposits into their account in your love bank, they may breach the romantic love threshold – they get beyond a certain point, and you fall madly in love with them.  In fact, people fall in love every day: married people, unmarried people, old people, young people.  In all cases it means that somebody has been present with them for enough positive experiences that they have made enough deposits into the love bank that the other person is now in love with them.

When you are in love, your emotions overwhelmingly prompt you to seek out that person and be with them, and to seek their welfare.  Women typically become much more sexually oriented toward the man they are in love with, and men typically become much more affectionate and interested in conversation with the woman they are in love with.  You feel like you and the person you are in love with were made for each other.  If you have to be separated, you may feel like it is an unbearable disaster.

If you are married and spend a lot of enjoyable time with someone besides your spouse, there is an overwhelmingly high chance that you will fall in love with that person.  And there is a good chance that the time with your spouse will seem boring by comparison.  That is why if you want to have a successful marriage it is imperative that you be spending your enjoyable time with your spouse, not someone else.  And it is imperative that you completely avoid contact with any former sexual partners or people you have been in love with.

Falling in love feels like magic, but it’s really predictable science.  Do the right things together, in the right amounts, and you will fall in love, every time.  Make sure you are doing those things with your spouse, and not with anyone else.