I have spoken with a lot of people who have had affairs. Frequently these people get into a lot of study and searching, looking for an answer to some question like “Why did I have an affair?” or “What is broken about me, what is wrong with me, that I would have an affair?” or “What is wrong with me that I was looking for something else outside of my marriage?”
If you have had an affair, I can explain to you why you had the affair. I have learned Dr. Harley’s take on the subject, and I have seen enough marriages with affairs to accept his position: people have affairs because we are all wired for it. Having an affair is completely normal and natural. It does not mean that you are broken and need to be fixed.
According to Dr. Harley, we would all have an affair under the right circumstances. Many people dispute that, but from what I have seen, I believe it to be true. We are all wired to fall in love and to reproduce. Create the right circumstances for falling in love, and it will happen every time.
Maybe you think everybody else finds fidelity easy and natural. Maybe you think they are “normal” and you are “broken.” But the truth is, if we could take those people and put them in circumstances that cause them to fall in love with someone besides their spouse, they would suddenly find it almost impossible to be faithful. And if we take you and make sure that you never get into circumstances where an affair could be possible, then no matter how enticing you have felt affairs were in the past, you would be completely faithful.
According to Dr. Harley, there are some circumstances under which all of us could be trusted – and some circumstances under which none of us should be trusted. He’s right!
Feeling desire for someone you are not married to is not a sign that there is something wrong with you. That is something completely normal and natural that happens to people who are close to someone of the opposite sex. You should realize that if you act on that desire, you will hurt the person you have made a solemn vow to care for. And you should also realize that if you remain in contact with the person you are feeling desire for, they will make Love Bank deposits in their account in your Love Bank, and your feelings for them will only increase. That’s how everybody’s Love Bank works. So if you find yourself attracted to somebody else, the thing to do is to 1) tell your spouse, and 2) break off all contact with the person you are feeling desire for, for life.
Dr. Harley realized early in life that nearly every member of his family had had an affair. He realized that if he did not take extraordinary precautions to prevent an affair, he would end up being unfaithful to his wife Joyce. Dr. Harley is at risk of an affair, just like you and me. He is not broken, and neither are you. He took those extraordinary precautions to make an affair impossible, and he has never had an affair. He didn’t have to take those extraordinary precautions because he had something wrong with them: he had to do that because anybody who doesn’t is very likely to fall in love with someone else and have an affair.
By the way, if you have had an affair and are reading or getting therapy to find out what is “wrong” with you, or to “fix” yourself, you are taking a very selfish route while your victim (your spouse) is suffering. You will never “fix” the thing inside you that leads to affairs, because it is a part of human wiring and we all have it. But you can fix your mistake, and fix your marriage, by taking extraordinary precautions to prevent an affair, and meeting your spouse’s emotional needs and working to heal them from the hurt you have caused.
Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily? Do you have the app? Remember, Dr. Willard Harley is the expert – not me. He’s the one who figured out how to save marriages. I’m just happy to pass on what I have learned from his program and materials. And the best advice I can give you is, take Dr. Harley’s free “class” on the radio every day!
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