What if she’s wrong about me?

“My wife says I’m making Disrespectful Judgments.  But she doesn’t understand.  I’m not really being disrespectful, and here’s why …”

I have seen this common pattern repeated in many marriages – including my own!  The wife identifies the husband’s Disrespectful Judgments (or Selfish Demands, or Angry Outbursts) as a serious issue.  But when the husband and the wife start trying to follow the plan and exchanging weekly worksheets listing each instance of a Disrespectful Judgment, the things the wife says are disrespectful aren’t things that the husband feels are disrespectful at all.  Who’s right and who’s wrong?

Dr. Harley has a very clear rule about this, and when he was working with me and Prisca he applied it every time I came to him with this problem.  Here’s how he words it in Love Busters:

How can you know if you’re a perpetrator of disrespectful judgments?  Ask your spouse.  You may not realize how you come across.  But you are disrespectful if your spouse thinks you’re disrespectful.  That’s the deciding factor….

Believe me, in this situation your spouse is the best judge by a long shot.

It may be frustrating to let your spouse be the judge of whether you are being disrespectful or not.  (Or demanding, or having an angry outburst.)  But if you want to fix what’s wrong with your marriage, it’s the only way that works.  If you are saying or doing anything that your spouse feels is disrespectful, it’s a love bank withdrawal.  It will also make it impossible to negotiate solutions to any problems that you face.  Your problems will remain unresolved, and the things you are saying or doing about it that make your spouse feel disrespected will only make the problem worse.

So encourage your spouse to be fully honest with you about your disrespectful judgments.  You may not know what to say or do differently at first, but the very first step is to find out what your spouse feels is disrespectful.

If you can’t figure out what to do different after that, send me an email at MarkosOnMarriage@gmail.com, and I’ll give you a few pointers.