Support

A complaint often heard about marriage is “My husband or wife doesn’t support me.”

But take a look for a minute at what is being assumed when you say this.  What kind of things should your spouse support you in?  Certainly you want to be partners in life.  Should your spouse support you unconditionally?  Should they support all of your interests?  If you are abusive to your husband or wife, should they support your abuse?  If you are a drug addict should they support your drug addict?  If you decide to have an affair, should they support your infidelity?

Of course most of us would not say that our spouse should support us in doing terrible things, but what if I am interested in doing something that isn’t terrible by itself, but hurts or bothers my wife?  Should she be supportive of my interest?

The Policy of Joint Agreement gives the answer: do nothing without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.  If I am interested in becoming the best video game player possible, but I want to have a good marriage, then the only way I should pursue that interest is if my wife is enthusiastic (not reluctant).  If she’s feeling neglected because of the time I spend practicing video games, then if I want to have a good marriage, I should abandon that interest.  If my wife is interested in pursuing a professional singing career, but wants to have a good marriage with me, then she should pursue that career only in a way that I would be enthusiastic about.  There’s nothing wrong with video games or singing, but Dr. Harley has observed that in any marriage where an exception is made to the Policy of Joint Agreement, where one spouse does what they want in one particular area regardless of how their husband or wife feels about it, then that one thing will eventually cause the ruin of the marriage.  It happens pretty much every time.

Suppose I want to run for political office.  Should I be able to count on my wife to support my political aspirations?  Only if she’s enthusiastic about me running!

Some people think that husbands and wives ought to support each other in almost everything, as long as it meets certain standards of being “reasonable.”  But again I point back to Dr. Harley’s expertise: if there’s something that you are going to do regardless of how your husband or wife feels about it, then that one exception you’ve made the the Policy of Joint Agreement will eventually ruin your marriage.

I actually have more interests than I can possibly engage in in one lifetime.  I can count on getting my wife’s support by limiting myself to interests that she is enthusiastic about me pursuing.  Because I do this, I find that she is very supportive.