How to make affection work

George walked in the door with a smile, a bouquet of flowers in his hand, and a cheery “Hi, Beautiful, I’m home!”  He walked up to Emma with a kiss and reached around her to give her a big hug.

Emma silently extricated herself from George’s embrace, glanced at the flowers without touching them, and walked off to the kitchen, not saying a word.  Her eyes said it all – despite George’s acts of affection, she was not happy.

Like a lot of husbands, George was mystified.  He had read His Needs, Her Needs, and he knew that a typical woman listed Affection as one of her two most important Emotional Needs.  He knew that Emma hadn’t been happy the last couple of years, and he was determined to turn that around.  He knew that he needed to be making Love Bank deposits, and that if he made enough Love Bank deposits, Emma’s feelings toward him would change, and she would be a lot happier (and she would start to feel more enthusiastic about meeting George’s Emotional Needs, too).  So here he was, trying to be affectionate, yet Emma was not happy.

Dr. Harley defines affection as “symbolic acts of care.”  Things like offering a hug, or saying “I love you,” or buying flowers or a gift are usually very important to a woman (and to many men as well!)  These symbolic acts might not have a lot of monetary or practical value, but it means a lot to hear or see a symbol reinforcing the care that her husband (or his wife) has engaged in or is promising.

But symbols of care don’t mean a whole lot when there haven’t been enough actual, bankable, concrete acts of care to make the wife feel cared for!  If her husband has been neglectful, or abusive; if he doesn’t spend enough time with her for her to fall in love with him and stay in love with him; if he routinely minimizes her feelings, ignores or dismisses her complaints, tells her she shouldn’t feel upset when something is bothering her (these are all examples of disrespectful judgments) – if this is the way her husband treats her, she won’t feel cared for, and so a “symbolic act of care” will be a symbol of nothing.

Bringing home flowers or leaving a card will not feel wonderful to a wife who doesn’t feel cared for.  It will not turn her feelings around.  She will not suddenly want to meet his emotional needs, and she definitely won’t suddenly feel better about all the things she’s been complaining about.

If your wife is unresponsive to your affection, consider that you need to also be providing concrete acts of care.  Don’t just offer gifts, flowers, and kisses – offer to do the grocery shopping.  Help wash the dishes (together, if possible).  Take care of some things you know she’s been wishing would be taken care of.  Fix dinner.  Clean something up.  Call her when you leave work to let her know you are coming.  Contact her in the middle of the day and see if she needs anything, and while you are at it, find out what she’s up to and give her a chance to talk about it.  Basically anything that will make her feel like you are wanting to be her partner in life, in the things that need to be done.

If you are consistent about it, for long enough, eventually your wife will begin to feel cared for.  Once there is some concrete care, then a symbolic act of care will mean a lot to your wife!  Basically performing these acts of care adds to and multiplies the value of your affection.  Now it’s not a symbol of nothing – it’s a symbol of something!  Something that means something to her!

If you look at Dr. Harley’s article on how to meet the need for affection, you’ll actually see that many of these acts of care are a little more “concrete” than “symbolic.”  This woman didn’t just need symbols from her husband – she needed concrete, actual, valuable care.  If your wife has an emotional need for affection, she probably does, too.

If you want to have a successful marriage, you have to plan on building lifetime habits of providing care and of showing affection.  These aren’t just isolated incidents – they happen all the time.  Until those habits have been established for awhile, your wife might feel uncared for, and symbolic acts of affection might not mean a whole lot to her.  But I suggest you keep at it – you want to be building those habits, and then when she is finally starting to feel cared for, you’ll already be automatically engaging in the symbolic acts that make massive love bank deposits.  She’ll be lucky to have a husband who cares for her.