Yesterday I wrote that if a marriage is going to survive after an affair, it is imperative that the unfaithful spouse must strictly observe a policy of no contact for life with the affair partner.
Today I want to write about another use of the strategy of going no contact: when your husband or wife refuses to end an affair. This is what Dr. Harley calls “Plan B.”
Faced with an unfaithful spouse, many people decide they want to keep their marriage. They do their best to win the unfaithful spouse back to the marriage. This is what Dr. Harley calls “Plan A.” A good Plan A will include:
- exposing the affair to children, parents, family members, church members, the affair partner’s spouse, clergy, workplace (if the affair is with a coworker) and anyone else significant in the life of the betrayed spouse, unfaithful spouse, or affair partner.
- refraining from Love Busters
- expressing a willingness to have a good marriage with the unfaithful husband or wife and meet their emotional needs – if the unfaithful spouse will end their affair
Frequently the wayward spouse will continue their affair no matter how good their betrayed spouse performs Plan A. The ongoing trauma of the wayward spouse’s continued contact with the affair partner becomes unbearable and has a devastating effect on the betrayed spouse – especially if the betrayed spouse is a woman. Dr. Harley has seen this continued trauma have terrible effects on the emotional and physical health of betrayed wives. And so the plan he recommends for women is to go to Plan B in order to protect themselves from this trauma, usually after about three weeks.
In Plan B, the betrayed wife does not see or talk to her unfaithful husband. She will usually need to see a lawyer and arrange to file for separation or divorce and have her husband removed from the home (and safeguard her financial security for herself and her children). She should get a friend to serve as intermediary for any necessary communication about children visitation or finances, and the intermediary should filter out everything else the wayward spouse tries to talk about. She should not even see her unfaithful husband when the children go to him for visitation – she should get some help from someone who can help arrange dropoffs for the children so that she does not have to see her unfaithful husband. She may need to change her contact information or even obtain a restraining order if the unfaithful spouse will not respect her privacy.
The main point of Plan B is therapeutic – the betrayed spouse gets the chance to heal and recover in peace, away from the continued trauma of the unfaithful spouse’s affair. She should spend this time taking care of herself and children and filling their lives with things to enjoy and look forward to. If her husband’s affair never ends, this is the beginning of her recovery. Or if he does eventually end his affair, she will be in much better shape to go through the difficult work of marital recovery with him. If she avoids Plan B (or compromises it with occasional continued contact with her unfaithful husband) there is a good chance that by the time her husband’s affair finally ends she will not be willing to recover her marriage with him.
For most of this post I’ve written about Plan B for betrayed wives. Dr. Harley does occasionally
recommend that husbands go into Plan B, but in general he recommends that they try to stick with Plan A longer. For a typical husband, going to Plan B is usually the end of the marriage, and he is also usually able to engage in Plan A longer than a typical betrayed wife. I should also mention that Dr. Harley frequently recommends Plan B or a similar no contact plan for wives whose husbands are abusive or have a drug or alcohol addiction, and occasionally he even recommends Plan B when a husband indicates he is not willing to meet his wife’s emotional needs.
No contact is a great way to heal from a toxic relationship. If you’ve had an affair, having no contact with your affair partner is vital for your own healing and for the healing of your marriage. And if your spouse is having an affair, sooner or later you will need to go no contact with your spouse for your own protection.
Here are some useful resources for learning about Plan B:
- the book Surviving an Affair
- How to Plan B Correctly by MarriedForever, Marriage Builders forum poster
- When to Call it Quits by Dr. Harley (three part article)
- What Are Plan A and Plan B? by Dr. Harley
Another great resource of course is the Marriage Builders Radio program. Write Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce and ask if he thinks Plan B is warranted in your situation, and how to go about it.
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